Malaria!

Your odds of dying from the disease Malaria are approximately

1 in 60,000,000. (0.0000016%)

Okay, if you're an American, calm down. There were only 5 annual Malaria related deaths in the US as of the the most recent statistics (2002). If you live someplace cold like Maine or Alaska, you're doubly fine. Why? Malaria is a disease spread by Mosquitoes and

those little buzzing assholes that keep you up in the summer prefer and tend to thrive in tropical regions like the Amazon and Africa. If you live in one of those places however, you should try to invest in a net since the disease kills 1-3 million people annually across the globe. It is termed a "Poor Person's Disease" since most of these deaths (90%) are of children in Sub-Saharan Africa and could be avoided with the help of simple things like bug repellents, better irrigation planning, simple medicines and mosquito nets to sleep in at night. Just REALLY simple things. Still there is hope and The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is investing heavily in eradicating the disease globally as we seem to have done in America...Almost. If you live in Florida, be a bit more cautious, but then again you have Gators to worry about and that should take precedent. And also, you live in Florida, so you probably have bigger life concerns to worry about in general, like why you live in Florida (Miami and Don Johnson excluded of course.) Good luck Bill and Melinda!

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malaria#Vector_control)

Roulette!

The odds that you will hit a single number on a Single Spin of the
(American) Roulette wheel are 1 in 38. (2.6%).

Ahhhh gambling. I pretend to know what's going on at the roulette table but I don't. Pick a number and pray you get lucky! It's really like a mini lotto. I think. I don't know cause if I'm ever near a table my dopamine receptors are going haywire from the flashing lights, clanging noises, and cocktail waitresses attire, or lack thereof.

I know you can bet on random stuff but this stat is just putting $1 on your favorite number 1-36. American Roulette has 2 dead numbers (0 and 00) which mean the house wins automatically if it lands on either. Ergo - $1 on 1 number is 37 to 1 against and if you get lucky the casino will pay you 35 to 1. What does this mean. It means enjoy the free drinks and those cocktail dresses cause like the lotto, you're better off paying someone else that dollar to kick you in the nuts instead of gambling with it. Nahhhhh, I'm just playing. It means that for every $1 you bet playing roulette you should EXPECT to lose $0.05 cents every time. So...bet small and make up your losses by getting shit faced on the free booze. I'm totally serious now.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roulette#Bet_odds_table_.28American_roulette.29)

Tallness!

The odds that a US male will Grow to the Height of 6'3" or more are approximately 1 in 50 (2.1%)

Wow, was this a fun statistic to research. First, here's the Wikipedia caption that accompanies the above photo: "Height helps basketball players get closer to the hoop and pass over opponents". Yes, Wikipedia, I'm not going to argue with that, I just thought such an obvious observation would be unnecessary? Second, there are a whole lot of insecure short people out there and they know how to use the internet! If you care to take up their cause and help support shorties (is that diminutive?) with their self esteem issues or conversely mock them, please see here - http://www.shortsupport.org/index.html .

Height distribution works as a Bell of Gaussian curve where the majority of males are average (5'10") and the numbers tail off the shorter/taller you are so that there's about the same number of males who are 5'4" and 6'3". Height is determined by genes, nutrition, and not having a fucked up pituitary gland. If you are tall you should play basketball (see Wikipedia). If you are short you should try to take over the world and impose your iron will over all those tall assholes who used to stuff your ass every time you tried to make a lay up in gym class. It worked for Napoleon and according to Wikipedia he sucked hard at basketball.

(http://www.allcountries.org/uscensus/230_cumulative_percent_distribution_of_population_by.html)

Snake Eyes!

The odds that a snake will bite your eyes are.... scratch that-

The odds of Rolling Snake Eyes (1,1) in a single roll at a Craps Table are approximately 1 in 36 (2.78%)

Apparently craps is one of the better games to play when it comes to odds against the Casino but I'm pretty much talking out of my ass since I have no idea what's going on when I slide up to a table. Yet I always go back. Why? You roll dice and people cheer! Random busty women sidle up to you and will blow on your hands! People frantically place chips all over a beautifully covered felt spread and the dealer has a little backscratcher he uses to collect and give you back the dice!

No seriously though, I have no idea what's going on with this game but apparently rolling snake eyes is a bad thing? Yeah...but....Papa needs a new pair of shoes!!!!

(http://askville.amazon.com/odds-rolling-snake-eyes-craps-table-consistently/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=14035642)

Centenarians!

The odds that you will Live to be at least 100 Years Old are approximately 1 in 3,300 (0.03%)

Whoa, crazy lady! I was gonna use a picture of Willard Scott for this (the Today Show Smuckers Old-People Birthday dude) but it turns out he was once a clown so I'm not supporting that.

1 in 3,300! Shit... I totally thought it was closer to like 1 in 2 but just cause someone looks really old doesn't mean they're 100 yet. Okay, let's break this down.

First off, it assumes you're American and averages the rates for both sexes. If you're an obese male who doesn't exercise you're odds of making it to 100 years are approximately (pretend mashing a calculator....grunting...scratching something out with a pencil...got it!) 1 in NEVER. See, women live longer than men and Japanese women (from Okinawa especially) live longer than everyone. Why? Cause Japan is the future. And they have an incredibly healthy diet, exercise, and maintain low stress levels. Advances in medicine constantly increase the average life span but to make it to 100+, you're gonna need more than Lipitor. You need a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle. Read up on that while I eat this steak and stress about money.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centenarian#Current_incidence)

Heart Attack!

The lifetime odds that you will die as the result of
Heart Disease/Heart Attack are approximately 1 in 5 (20%)

Ha! I bet you though that was a stroke patient but it's former Vice President Dick Cheney with his signature scowl. I was originally going to use him for the statistic on 'Accidentally Getting Shot in the Face' but seeing as he's the record holder for most heart attacks this works too.

So...good news - This is the most common cause of death, meaning every other conceivable way you could die is less likely. Celebrate by smoking, eating terrible food, and not exercising!

Not so good news - After his fifth heart explosion, Cheney had a pump installed to circulate blood for him and now has NO pulse. I shit you not, the dude's part robot which means we all have to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to stop him for good. Decapitation seems the best bet but this is Cheney so no promises it will work.

(http://www.livescience.com/environment/050106_odds_of_dying.html)

Elaphants!

The odds that in a given year you will be Killed by a Captive Elephant are approximately 1 in 5,488,816 ( 0.0000002 %)

I know! I can't believe someone took the time to calculate this number either so let me thank the fine people at...'ResponsibleExoticAnimalOwnership.com'....Wait, really? Before you get all worried about rampaging six ton elephant demons crushing babies, notice that the keyword is 'captive'. Who has captive elephants? Circuses and carnivals! Ergo, these elephants are killing tamers, clowns, and mimes. A rampaging elephant destroying a clown? Why that's hilarious!

Seriously though, wild elephants kill mad people every year in Asia so while you may like Dumbo, think better than to run up and hug that six ton behemoth with the ivory tusks which he's planning to use to take out your eyes.

(http://www.rexano.org/Statistics/Captive_Elephant_Fatality.pdf)

Climbing Everest!

The odds that you will die as the result of Attempting to Summit Mount Everest are approximately 1 in 61 ( 1.6%)

Now, I'm not a climber, but it seems to me that you're asking for trouble when you decide to climb 29,000 feet (~ 6 miles) above sea level so you can stand on top of a freezing cold mountain and look at....other mountains. If you wanna 'push' yourself, rent 'Cliffhanger' and do that instead. At least it won't be so cold and you'll look so much cooler hanging over a valley by one arm in a wifebeater.

Also- climbing Everest doesn't count if you pay $25,000, suck down pure oxygen the whole time in your kevlar parka, and pay local sherpas to tell you where to go and carry all your shit up the mountain. Gotta do that shit freestyle in some Keds like Sir Hillary. Sorry, bitches.

(http://www.bookofodds.com/Daily-Life-Activities/Hobbies-Recreation/Odds/The-odds-a-person-climbing-Mt.-Everest-will-die-in-the-attempt-are-1-in-61.46-CN-IN-and-NP-1950-2006)

Heat!

The odds that you will die as the result of exposure to Excessive Natural Heat are approximately 1 in 6,174 ( 0.016%)

Yeah, so Mario Brothers 3, which is the best Mario Bros. You get to that desert/pyramid level with all the beautiful scenery and a couple of screens in you meet that giant asshole of a sun (see above). You're just doing your thing, killing green koopa troopas when this d-bag starts flying around, glaring at you, and swooping in for the kill. Automatic death if he touches you and the whole thing is just a giant hassle where you have to duck and hide cause you can't kill the sun can you? (see also - Sunshine...actually, don't). I hate it.

PS - This stat has NOTHING to do with Mario so... Please don't leave your baby in the car while you go shopping in the middle of summer. And don't be super old.

(http://www.nsc.org/news_resources/Documents/nscInjuryFacts2011_037.pdf)

Hat Trick!

If you saw Wayne Gretzky play one professional hockey game at random in his career, the odds that he would score a Hat Trick were approximately 1 in 30 ( 3.7%)

The Great One...Will there be another like him? I doubt it now that professional sports have specialized so much but time will tell. With just about every other record in the book, Gretzky has more 3+ goal games than anyone at 50. Still not as cool as the record for Gordie Howe hat tricks (1 goal, 1 assist, 1 fight) but I'll give him props anyway. Hear that Gretzky??? Props.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_career_achievements_by_Wayne_Gretzky)

Hitting for the Cycle!

The odds that an average player will hit an 'unnatural' cycle are approximately
1 in every 4,400 games (0.02%)

~ 1 in every 27 seasons

(single, double, triple, and home run (any order)
in 1 game)

You may be surprised to learn that players hit for the cycle more often than this statistic predicts. Let me explain.

Jose Reyes to the left is a decent hitter, but the dude's also a cheetah. He can make it to third in 20 seconds flat with time to make a phone call. As a leadoff hitter he sometimes also gets that 5th at bat. To the right, no it's not a mascot, it's Mo Vaughn. God bless those ankles because he wasn't a career DH.
The point is that Jose Reyes may hit for the cycle a few times in his career while it would normally take two errors and animal interference on the diamond to get Mo Vaughn to third.

Lesson: Mo Vaughn ruins statistics.

(Real Lesson: Averaging statistics sometimes doesn't work. And players who get more extra base hits have a much higher individual probability of hitting for the cycle than Mo Vaughn)

(http://www.hardballtimes.com/main/article/the-odds-of-a-cycle/)

Tetanus!

The odds that you will contract the Tetanus Disease in a given year are approximately 1 in 7,302,000 (0.000037%)

So, remember that shot you were supposed to get in junior high that made your arm hurt for two days? That prevents Tetanus which is a disease you catch from stepping on rusty nails. It causes your muscles to freeze up which leads to lockjaw which makes you look like a dick permanently. Luckily, we've largely killed off this problem but there are still some rogue rusty nails that the government is tracking down and trying to kill. Until their resistance movement is broken, remember to get another shot every 10 years or so. And be afraid, but not that afraid cause it's pretty rare.

(http://www.bookofodds.com/Health-Illness/Infectious-Disease/Articles/A0448-The-Relative-Rarity-of-Tetanus)

Pearls!

The odds that an unopened Oyster contains a Pearl are approximately 1 in 12,000 (0.008%)

That's why pearl diving is like being in a garage band, sure it's a fun hobby but you're never gonna make enough money to feed yourself. But you can eat the oysters. Good advice dad.

(http://thelongestlistofthelongeststuffatthelongestdomainnameatlonglast.com/odds14.html)

Italia!

UPDATE: The current odds that Italy will repeat as World Cup Champions are approximately 1 in 14 (7.14%)

I couldn't find a proper picture of an Italian player diving- the cornerstone of their strategy being to roll around on the ground, grab a knee in pretend agony and groan every time an opposing player comes near them. Instead, enjoy this legit photo of Zidane punking an italian for real, probably to see what happens when one actually gets hurt. Zidane's a dick too though. Go Argentina!

(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/11/world-cup-2010-south-afri_n_590550.html#s93289) The bookies added two points, which is why you never trust a bookie.

Astronauts!

The odds of becoming an Astronaut are approximately
1 in 13,200,000 (0.0000075 %)

Keep in mind that not ALL astronauts are chosen through a lottery so if you really want it you probably have to work out and train on one of those spinning things. But the odds of becoming a space chimp are closer to 1 in 8.

(http://chicago.metromix.com/home/photogallery/what-are-the-odds/890340/photo/890348)