Malaria!

Your odds of dying from the disease Malaria are approximately

1 in 60,000,000. (0.0000016%)

Okay, if you're an American, calm down. There were only 5 annual Malaria related deaths in the US as of the the most recent statistics (2002). If you live someplace cold like Maine or Alaska, you're doubly fine. Why? Malaria is a disease spread by Mosquitoes and

those little buzzing assholes that keep you up in the summer prefer and tend to thrive in tropical regions like the Amazon and Africa. If you live in one of those places however, you should try to invest in a net since the disease kills 1-3 million people annually across the globe. It is termed a "Poor Person's Disease" since most of these deaths (90%) are of children in Sub-Saharan Africa and could be avoided with the help of simple things like bug repellents, better irrigation planning, simple medicines and mosquito nets to sleep in at night. Just REALLY simple things. Still there is hope and The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is investing heavily in eradicating the disease globally as we seem to have done in America...Almost. If you live in Florida, be a bit more cautious, but then again you have Gators to worry about and that should take precedent. And also, you live in Florida, so you probably have bigger life concerns to worry about in general, like why you live in Florida (Miami and Don Johnson excluded of course.) Good luck Bill and Melinda!

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malaria#Vector_control)

Heart Attack!

The lifetime odds that you will die as the result of
Heart Disease/Heart Attack are approximately 1 in 5 (20%)

Ha! I bet you though that was a stroke patient but it's former Vice President Dick Cheney with his signature scowl. I was originally going to use him for the statistic on 'Accidentally Getting Shot in the Face' but seeing as he's the record holder for most heart attacks this works too.

So...good news - This is the most common cause of death, meaning every other conceivable way you could die is less likely. Celebrate by smoking, eating terrible food, and not exercising!

Not so good news - After his fifth heart explosion, Cheney had a pump installed to circulate blood for him and now has NO pulse. I shit you not, the dude's part robot which means we all have to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to stop him for good. Decapitation seems the best bet but this is Cheney so no promises it will work.

(http://www.livescience.com/environment/050106_odds_of_dying.html)

Heat!

The odds that you will die as the result of exposure to Excessive Natural Heat are approximately 1 in 6,174 ( 0.016%)

Yeah, so Mario Brothers 3, which is the best Mario Bros. You get to that desert/pyramid level with all the beautiful scenery and a couple of screens in you meet that giant asshole of a sun (see above). You're just doing your thing, killing green koopa troopas when this d-bag starts flying around, glaring at you, and swooping in for the kill. Automatic death if he touches you and the whole thing is just a giant hassle where you have to duck and hide cause you can't kill the sun can you? (see also - Sunshine...actually, don't). I hate it.

PS - This stat has NOTHING to do with Mario so... Please don't leave your baby in the car while you go shopping in the middle of summer. And don't be super old.

(http://www.nsc.org/news_resources/Documents/nscInjuryFacts2011_037.pdf)

Tetanus!

The odds that you will contract the Tetanus Disease in a given year are approximately 1 in 7,302,000 (0.000037%)

So, remember that shot you were supposed to get in junior high that made your arm hurt for two days? That prevents Tetanus which is a disease you catch from stepping on rusty nails. It causes your muscles to freeze up which leads to lockjaw which makes you look like a dick permanently. Luckily, we've largely killed off this problem but there are still some rogue rusty nails that the government is tracking down and trying to kill. Until their resistance movement is broken, remember to get another shot every 10 years or so. And be afraid, but not that afraid cause it's pretty rare.

(http://www.bookofodds.com/Health-Illness/Infectious-Disease/Articles/A0448-The-Relative-Rarity-of-Tetanus)

Frat Boys!

The odds of dying by Alcohol Poisoning are 1 in 10,048 (0.009%)

Oh the importance of passing out on your stomach.

(http://dying.about.com/od/causes/tp/leastdying.htm)

Measles!?!?

The odds that you will die of Measles in the following year are
1 in 300,000,000 (0.0000003%)


Wait...nevermind, apparently it's a disease...? Gross


(http://www.veegle.com/odds.htm)