Thursday, March 3, 2011

4-5-6 in Cee-Lo!

The odds of rolling a 4, 5, 6 in Cee-Lo are 1 in 36 (2.7%)

You're either going to get this stat or you're not depending on if you were ever ghetto enough to learn about the game Cee-Lo. I was! Cee-Lo is a dice game that can be played in hallways, back alleys, desktops, basically anywhere there are 3x dice, a hard surface and gravity. It is pure gambling and all luck and if you want to learn about the rules go here ( If you want to play, go to jail or Compton.
In Cee-Lo, rolling a 4, 5, 6 is an automatic win. If you roll it, game over, you win. BUT. Rolling a 1, 2, 3 is an automatic loss so go figure. So what are the odds? This is a simple problem really.
Let's say you roll them separately (NOT my favored Cee-Lo strategy). On the first die you can roll a 4 a 5 or a 6 giving odds of 3/6 or 1/2. Let's say it's a 4. Next die must be a 5 or a 6 giving you 2/6 odds (1/3). Say it's a 5. That leaves the last die a 1/6 chance that you will get the remaining # (6) you need for a 4,5,6. Still with me? Now multiply those odds:
1/2 x 1/3 x 1/6 = 1/36
Huzzah! You did it, now collect all the singles in the pile in front of you and take off before you get arrested or jacked cause if you're playing Cee-Lo, you're probably in the ghetto. Godspeed!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Unprotected Sex!

The odds that a Pregnancy will result from a Single Act of Unprotected Sex are approximately 1 in 25 (0.04%)

Don't let this be YOUR future child...

Whoa, kids. I know what you're thinking. Hot shit! I can have unprotected sex twenty-four times scott-free before I even have to worry!
Well, sorry to burst your idiot bubble but if you think that then
1) you suck ass at math and have no idea how probability works
2) you should start thinking of names for the idiot child you're about to have (I'ma call him Biff)
For the rest of you, let's break this down.
Basically this is an issue of timing. Now, full disclosure: I'm not a scientist but I have it on good authority that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Now, to make babies... I don't know, but a woman can only get pregnant on approximately 2 days in every 28 of their cycle. But then she also needs a dude's spermatazoa to eat the egg or whatever and those little fuckers can only survive for around 2 days once in her stomach. This gives us odds of jot, scratch, erase = 11%!
But even if these two windows do happen to overlap after your shitty Junior Prom in the back of that shitty Pinto, there's some good news: Sometimes the spermatazoa don't always eat the eggs! In fact, when together they only do their thing 1/2 to 1/4 of the time they're all chilling. This drops the odds down to between 3-5% that you'll have to explain to your son (Biff) that he was the result of a drunken irresponsible and horribly awkward night for everyone.
Seriously though, 3-5% is a lot. Like 85% odds in the first year if you keep at it, but whatever, it's your life to roll the dice with. Consider yourself warned so don't bitch to me when you're rail-roaded into marrying said girl you brought to J-Prom who now resents you cause you got her preggers (and you didnt't even wanna go with her!) and then have an idiot son named Biff who sucks at math. Good luck with that though.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dental Suicide!

The odds that that a Dentist will commit Suicide in a given year are approximately 1 in 1,250 (0.08%)

We've all heard the 'fact' that dentists have the highest rate of suicide for a profession but is it true? Yes, yes it is. Why? Well after some extensive research and number crunching I'll try to break it down for you with a mix of actual evidence & my own harebrained theories.
Have you ever met a little kid who REALLY wanted to be a Dentist when they grew up? No. No you haven't because all children (and most adults) hate the dentist. And doesn't that suck to go to work every day trying to help people's oral hygiene while knowing most patients hate being there and you make kids cry? Not much positive reinforcement which probably wears on you.
If so few kids aspire to Dental fame, who becomes a dentist? I don't know but I imagine it's a pretty repressed group; The people who give up on their dreams for the safe steady paycheck. If you 'settled' for being a dentist and regret it, that's gotta eat at you.
The overwhelming majority of dentists are also white males which happens to be the demographic most prone to suicide. It also seems a pretty lonely job but who knows.
Finally, they have the means. Even though they don't seem to get as much respect or appreciation as a veterinarian, they did go to school and have access to all sorts of things. The rest is very dependent on mental health and individual tendency but these are huge red flags.
All those factors taken together put dentists at a much higher risk than average. Still, 0.08% seems pretty small huh? Well, when the average rate is about 0.017%, that makes dentists ~5x MORE likely to off themselves than a random person. Which is a lot so- brush your teeth, floss, and don't be an asshole to your dentist. Thanks.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Your odds of dying from the disease Malaria are approximately
1 in 60,000,000. (0.0000016%)

Okay, if you're an American, calm down. There were only 5 annual Malaria related deaths in the US as of the the most recent statistics (2002). If you live someplace cold like Maine or Alaska, you're doubly fine. Why? Malaria is a disease spread by Mosquitoes and
those little buzzing assholes that keep you up in the summer prefer and tend to thrive in tropical regions like the Amazon and Africa. If you live in one of those places however, you should try to invest in a net since the disease kills 1-3 million people annually across the globe. It is termed a "Poor Person's Disease" since most of these deaths (90%) are of children in Sub-Saharan Africa and could be avoided with the help of simple things like bug repellents, better irrigation planning, simple medicines and mosquito nets to sleep in at night. Just REALLY simple things. Still there is hope and The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is investing heavily in eradicating the disease globally as we seem to have done in America...Almost. If you live in Florida, be a bit more cautious, but then again you have Gators to worry about and that should take precedent. And also, you live in Florida, so you probably have bigger life concerns to worry about in general, like why you live in Florida (Miami and Don Johnson excluded of course.) Good luck Bill and Melinda!

Friday, November 5, 2010


The odds that you will hit a single number on a Single Spin of the
(American) Roulette
wheel are 1 in 38. (2.6%).

Ahhhh gambling. I pretend to know what's going on at the roulette table but I don't. Pick a number and pray you get lucky! It's really like a mini lotto. I think. I don't know cause if I'm ever near a table my dopamine receptors are going haywire from the flashing lights, clanging noises, and cocktail waitresses attire, or lack thereof.
I know you can bet on random stuff but this stat is just putting $1 on your favorite number 1-36. American Roulette has 2 dead numbers (0 and 00) which mean the house wins automatically if it lands on either. Ergo - $1 on 1 number is 37 to 1 against and if you get lucky the casino will pay you 35 to 1. What does this mean. It means enjoy the free drinks and those cocktail dresses cause like the lotto, you're better off paying someone else that dollar to kick you in the nuts instead of gambling with it. Nahhhhh, I'm just playing. It means that for every $1 you bet playing roulette you should EXPECT to lose $0.05 cents every time. small and make up your losses by getting shit faced on the free booze. I'm totally serious now.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


The odds that a US male will Grow to the Height of 6'3" or more are approximately 1 in 50 (2.1%)

Wow, was this a fun statistic to research. First, here's the Wikipedia caption that accompanies
the above photo: "Height helps basketball players get closer to the hoop and pass over opponents". Yes, Wikipedia, I'm not going to argue with that, I just thought such an obvious observation would be unnecessary? Second, there are a whole lot of insecure short people out there and they know how to use the internet! If you care to take up their cause and help support shorties (is that diminutive?) with their self esteem issues or conversely mock them, please see here - .
Height distribution works as a Bell of Gaussian curve where the majority of males are average (5'10") and the numbers tail off the shorter/taller you are so that there's about the same number of males who are 5'4" and 6'3". Height is determined by genes, nutrition, and not having a fucked up pituitary gland. If you are tall you should play basketball (see Wikipedia). If you are short you should try to take over the world and impose your iron will over all those tall assholes who used to stuff your ass every time you tried to make a lay up in gym class. It worked for Napoleon and according to Wikipedia he sucked hard at basketball.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Snake Eyes!

The odds that a snake will bite your eyes are.... scratch that-

The odds of Rolling Snake Eyes (1,1) in a single roll at a Craps Table are approximately 1 in 36 (2.78%)
Apparently craps is one of the better games to play when it comes to odds against the Casino but I'm pretty much talking out of my ass since I have no idea what's going on when I slide up to a table. Yet I always go back. Why? You roll dice and people cheer! Random busty women sidle up to you and will blow on your hands! People frantically place chips all over a beautifully covered felt spread and the dealer has a little backscratcher he uses to collect and give you back the dice!
No seriously though, I have no idea what's going on with this game but apparently rolling snake eyes is a bad thing? Yeah...but....Papa needs a new pair of shoes!!!!

Friday, September 24, 2010


The odds that you will Live to be at least 100 Years Old are approximately 1 in 3,300 (0.03%)

Whoa, crazy lady! I was gonna use a picture of Willard Scott for this (the Today Show Smuckers Old-People Birthday dude) but it turns out he was once a clown so I'm not supporting that.
1 in 3,300! Shit... I totally thought it was closer to like 1 in 2 but just cause someone looks really old doesn't mean they're 100 yet. Okay, let's break this down.
First off, it assumes you're American and averages the rates for both sexes. If you're an obese male who doesn't exercise you're odds of making it to 100 years are approximately (pretend mashing a calculator....grunting...scratching something out with a it!) 1 in NEVER. See, women live longer than men and Japanese women (from Okinawa especially) live longer than everyone. Why? Cause Japan is the future. And they have an incredibly healthy diet, exercise, and maintain low stress levels. Advances in medicine constantly increase the average life span but to make it to 100+, you're gonna need more than Lipitor. You need a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle. Read up on that while I eat this steak and stress about money.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Heart Attack!

The lifetime odds that you will die as the result of
Heart Disease/Heart Attack are approximately 1 in 5 (20%)

Ha! I bet you though that was a stroke patient but it's former Vice President Dick Cheney with his signature scowl. I was originally going to use him for the statistic on 'Accidentally Getting Shot in the Face' but seeing as he's the record holder for most heart attacks this works too.

So...good news - This is the most common cause of death, meaning every other conceivable way you could die is less likely. Celebrate by smoking, eating terrible food, and not exercising!
Not so good news - After his fifth heart explosion, Cheney had a pump installed to circulate blood for him and now has NO pulse. I shit you not, the dude's part robot which means we all have to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to stop him for good. Decapitation seems the best bet but this is Cheney so no promises it will work.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


The odds that in a given year you will be Killed by a Captive Elephant are approximately 1 in 5,488,816 ( 0.0000002 %)

I know! I can't believe someone took the time to calculate this number either so let me thank the fine people at...''....Wait, really? Before you get all worried about rampaging six ton elephant demons crushing babies, notice that the keyword is 'captive'. Who has captive elephants? Circuses and carnivals! Ergo, these elephants are killing tamers, clowns, and mimes. A rampaging elephant destroying a clown? Why that's hilarious!
Seriously though, wild elephants kill mad people every year in Asia so while you may like Dumbo, think better than to run up and hug that six ton behemoth with the ivory tusks which he's planning to use to take out your eyes.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Climbing Everest!

The odds that you will die as the result of Attempting to Summit Mount Everest are approximately 1 in 61 ( 1.6%)

Now, I'm not a climber, but it seems to me that you're asking for trouble when you decide to climb 29,000 feet (~ 6 miles) above sea level so you can stand on top of a freezing cold mountain and look at....other mountains. If you wanna 'push' yourself, rent 'Cliffhanger' and do that instead. At least it won't be so cold and you'll look so much cooler hanging over a valley by one arm in a wifebeater.
Also- climbing Everest doesn't count if you pay $25,000, suck down pure oxygen the whole time in your kevlar parka, and pay local sherpas to tell you where to go and carry all your shit up the mountain. Gotta do that shit freestyle in some Keds like Sir Hillary. Sorry, bitches.

Friday, July 30, 2010


The odds that you will die as the result of exposure to Excessive Natural Heat are approximately 1 in 6,174 ( 0.016%)

Yeah, so Mario Brothers 3, which is the best Mario Bros. You get to that desert/pyramid level with all the beautiful scenery and a couple of screens in you meet that giant asshole of a sun (see above). You're just doing your thing, killing green koopa troopas when this d-bag starts flying around, glaring at you, and swooping in for the kill. Automatic death if he touches you and the whole thing is just a giant hassle where you have to duck and hide cause you can't kill the sun can you? (see also - Sunshine...actually, don't). I hate it.

PS - This stat has NOTHING to do with Mario so... Please don't leave your baby in the car while you go shopping in the middle of summer. And don't be super old.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Hat Trick!

If you saw Wayne Gretzky play one professional hockey game at random in his career, the odds that he would score a Hat Trick were approximately 1 in 30 ( 3.7%)

The Great One...Will there be another like him? I doubt it now that professional sports have specialized so much but time will tell. With just about every other record in the book, Gretzky has more 3+ goal games than anyone at 50. Still not as cool as the record for Gordie Howe hat tricks (1 goal, 1 assist, 1 fight) but I'll give him props anyway. Hear that Gretzky??? Props.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Hitting for the Cycle!

The odds that an average player will hit an 'unnatural' cycle are approximately
1 in every 4,400 games (0.02%)
~ 1 in every 27 seasons
(single, double, triple, and home run (any order)
in 1 game)

You may be surprised to learn that players hit for the cycle more often than this statistic predicts. Let me explain.
Jose Reyes to the left is a decent hitter, but the dude's also a cheetah. He can make it to third in 20 seconds flat with time to make a phone call. As a leadoff hitter he sometimes also gets that 5th at bat. To the right, no it's not a mascot, it's Mo Vaughn. God bless those ankles because he wasn't a career DH.
The point is that Jose Reyes may hit for the cycle a few times in his career while it would normally take two errors and animal interference on the diamond to get Mo Vaughn to third.

Lesson: Mo Vaughn ruins statistics.
(Real Lesson: Averaging statistics sometimes doesn't work. And players who get more extra base hits have a much higher individual probability of hitting for the cycle than Mo Vaughn)

Thursday, July 8, 2010


The odds that you will contract the Tetanus Disease in a given year are approximately 1 in 7,302,000 (0.000037%)

So, remember that shot you were supposed to get in junior high that made your arm hurt for two days? That prevents Tetanus which is a disease you catch from stepping on rusty nails. It causes your muscles to freeze up which leads to lockjaw which makes you look like a dick permanently. Luckily, we've largely killed off this problem but there are still some rogue rusty nails that the government is tracking down and trying to kill. Until their resistance movement is broken, remember to get another shot every 10 years or so. And be afraid, but not that afraid cause it's pretty rare.