Centenarians!

The odds that you will Live to be at least 100 Years Old are approximately 1 in 3,300 (0.03%)

Whoa, crazy lady! I was gonna use a picture of Willard Scott for this (the Today Show Smuckers Old-People Birthday dude) but it turns out he was once a clown so I'm not supporting that.

1 in 3,300! Shit... I totally thought it was closer to like 1 in 2 but just cause someone looks really old doesn't mean they're 100 yet. Okay, let's break this down.

First off, it assumes you're American and averages the rates for both sexes. If you're an obese male who doesn't exercise you're odds of making it to 100 years are approximately (pretend mashing a calculator....grunting...scratching something out with a pencil...got it!) 1 in NEVER. See, women live longer than men and Japanese women (from Okinawa especially) live longer than everyone. Why? Cause Japan is the future. And they have an incredibly healthy diet, exercise, and maintain low stress levels. Advances in medicine constantly increase the average life span but to make it to 100+, you're gonna need more than Lipitor. You need a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle. Read up on that while I eat this steak and stress about money.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centenarian#Current_incidence)

Heart Attack!

The lifetime odds that you will die as the result of
Heart Disease/Heart Attack are approximately 1 in 5 (20%)

Ha! I bet you though that was a stroke patient but it's former Vice President Dick Cheney with his signature scowl. I was originally going to use him for the statistic on 'Accidentally Getting Shot in the Face' but seeing as he's the record holder for most heart attacks this works too.

So...good news - This is the most common cause of death, meaning every other conceivable way you could die is less likely. Celebrate by smoking, eating terrible food, and not exercising!

Not so good news - After his fifth heart explosion, Cheney had a pump installed to circulate blood for him and now has NO pulse. I shit you not, the dude's part robot which means we all have to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to stop him for good. Decapitation seems the best bet but this is Cheney so no promises it will work.

(http://www.livescience.com/environment/050106_odds_of_dying.html)

Heat!

The odds that you will die as the result of exposure to Excessive Natural Heat are approximately 1 in 6,174 ( 0.016%)

Yeah, so Mario Brothers 3, which is the best Mario Bros. You get to that desert/pyramid level with all the beautiful scenery and a couple of screens in you meet that giant asshole of a sun (see above). You're just doing your thing, killing green koopa troopas when this d-bag starts flying around, glaring at you, and swooping in for the kill. Automatic death if he touches you and the whole thing is just a giant hassle where you have to duck and hide cause you can't kill the sun can you? (see also - Sunshine...actually, don't). I hate it.

PS - This stat has NOTHING to do with Mario so... Please don't leave your baby in the car while you go shopping in the middle of summer. And don't be super old.

(http://www.nsc.org/news_resources/Documents/nscInjuryFacts2011_037.pdf)

Falling Down!

The odds that you will die by Falling Down in your lifetime are 1 in 246 (0.4%)

Yet, the odds that you will die by Michael Douglas shooting you in the face with a sawed off shotgun are 1 in 30. Movie joke, bitches.

(http://www.v1news.com/page4/1/odds_of_dying/odds_of_dying.htm)