Monday, December 6, 2010

Dental Suicide!

The odds that that a Dentist will commit Suicide in a given year are approximately 1 in 1,250 (0.08%)

We've all heard the 'fact' that dentists have the highest rate of suicide for a profession but is it true? Yes, yes it is. Why? Well after some extensive research and number crunching I'll try to break it down for you with a mix of actual evidence & my own harebrained theories.
Have you ever met a little kid who REALLY wanted to be a Dentist when they grew up? No. No you haven't because all children (and most adults) hate the dentist. And doesn't that suck to go to work every day trying to help people's oral hygiene while knowing most patients hate being there and you make kids cry? Not much positive reinforcement which probably wears on you.
If so few kids aspire to Dental fame, who becomes a dentist? I don't know but I imagine it's a pretty repressed group; The people who give up on their dreams for the safe steady paycheck. If you 'settled' for being a dentist and regret it, that's gotta eat at you.
The overwhelming majority of dentists are also white males which happens to be the demographic most prone to suicide. It also seems a pretty lonely job but who knows.
Finally, they have the means. Even though they don't seem to get as much respect or appreciation as a veterinarian, they did go to school and have access to all sorts of things. The rest is very dependent on mental health and individual tendency but these are huge red flags.
All those factors taken together put dentists at a much higher risk than average. Still, 0.08% seems pretty small huh? Well, when the average rate is about 0.017%, that makes dentists ~5x MORE likely to off themselves than a random person. Which is a lot so- brush your teeth, floss, and don't be an asshole to your dentist. Thanks.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Your odds of dying from the disease Malaria are approximately
1 in 60,000,000. (0.0000016%)

Okay, if you're an American, calm down. There were only 5 annual Malaria related deaths in the US as of the the most recent statistics (2002). If you live someplace cold like Maine or Alaska, you're doubly fine. Why? Malaria is a disease spread by Mosquitoes and
those little buzzing assholes that keep you up in the summer prefer and tend to thrive in tropical regions like the Amazon and Africa. If you live in one of those places however, you should try to invest in a net since the disease kills 1-3 million people annually across the globe. It is termed a "Poor Person's Disease" since most of these deaths (90%) are of children in Sub-Saharan Africa and could be avoided with the help of simple things like bug repellents, better irrigation planning, simple medicines and mosquito nets to sleep in at night. Just REALLY simple things. Still there is hope and The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is investing heavily in eradicating the disease globally as we seem to have done in America...Almost. If you live in Florida, be a bit more cautious, but then again you have Gators to worry about and that should take precedent. And also, you live in Florida, so you probably have bigger life concerns to worry about in general, like why you live in Florida (Miami and Don Johnson excluded of course.) Good luck Bill and Melinda!

Friday, November 5, 2010


The odds that you will hit a single number on a Single Spin of the
(American) Roulette
wheel are 1 in 38. (2.6%).

Ahhhh gambling. I pretend to know what's going on at the roulette table but I don't. Pick a number and pray you get lucky! It's really like a mini lotto. I think. I don't know cause if I'm ever near a table my dopamine receptors are going haywire from the flashing lights, clanging noises, and cocktail waitresses attire, or lack thereof.
I know you can bet on random stuff but this stat is just putting $1 on your favorite number 1-36. American Roulette has 2 dead numbers (0 and 00) which mean the house wins automatically if it lands on either. Ergo - $1 on 1 number is 37 to 1 against and if you get lucky the casino will pay you 35 to 1. What does this mean. It means enjoy the free drinks and those cocktail dresses cause like the lotto, you're better off paying someone else that dollar to kick you in the nuts instead of gambling with it. Nahhhhh, I'm just playing. It means that for every $1 you bet playing roulette you should EXPECT to lose $0.05 cents every time. small and make up your losses by getting shit faced on the free booze. I'm totally serious now.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


The odds that a US male will Grow to the Height of 6'3" or more are approximately 1 in 50 (2.1%)

Wow, was this a fun statistic to research. First, here's the Wikipedia caption that accompanies
the above photo: "Height helps basketball players get closer to the hoop and pass over opponents". Yes, Wikipedia, I'm not going to argue with that, I just thought such an obvious observation would be unnecessary? Second, there are a whole lot of insecure short people out there and they know how to use the internet! If you care to take up their cause and help support shorties (is that diminutive?) with their self esteem issues or conversely mock them, please see here - .
Height distribution works as a Bell of Gaussian curve where the majority of males are average (5'10") and the numbers tail off the shorter/taller you are so that there's about the same number of males who are 5'4" and 6'3". Height is determined by genes, nutrition, and not having a fucked up pituitary gland. If you are tall you should play basketball (see Wikipedia). If you are short you should try to take over the world and impose your iron will over all those tall assholes who used to stuff your ass every time you tried to make a lay up in gym class. It worked for Napoleon and according to Wikipedia he sucked hard at basketball.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Snake Eyes!

The odds that a snake will bite your eyes are.... scratch that-

The odds of Rolling Snake Eyes (1,1) in a single roll at a Craps Table are approximately 1 in 36 (2.78%)
Apparently craps is one of the better games to play when it comes to odds against the Casino but I'm pretty much talking out of my ass since I have no idea what's going on when I slide up to a table. Yet I always go back. Why? You roll dice and people cheer! Random busty women sidle up to you and will blow on your hands! People frantically place chips all over a beautifully covered felt spread and the dealer has a little backscratcher he uses to collect and give you back the dice!
No seriously though, I have no idea what's going on with this game but apparently rolling snake eyes is a bad thing? Yeah...but....Papa needs a new pair of shoes!!!!

Friday, September 24, 2010


The odds that you will Live to be at least 100 Years Old are approximately 1 in 3,300 (0.03%)

Whoa, crazy lady! I was gonna use a picture of Willard Scott for this (the Today Show Smuckers Old-People Birthday dude) but it turns out he was once a clown so I'm not supporting that.
1 in 3,300! Shit... I totally thought it was closer to like 1 in 2 but just cause someone looks really old doesn't mean they're 100 yet. Okay, let's break this down.
First off, it assumes you're American and averages the rates for both sexes. If you're an obese male who doesn't exercise you're odds of making it to 100 years are approximately (pretend mashing a calculator....grunting...scratching something out with a it!) 1 in NEVER. See, women live longer than men and Japanese women (from Okinawa especially) live longer than everyone. Why? Cause Japan is the future. And they have an incredibly healthy diet, exercise, and maintain low stress levels. Advances in medicine constantly increase the average life span but to make it to 100+, you're gonna need more than Lipitor. You need a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle. Read up on that while I eat this steak and stress about money.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Heart Attack!

The lifetime odds that you will die as the result of
Heart Disease/Heart Attack are approximately 1 in 5 (20%)

Ha! I bet you though that was a stroke patient but it's former Vice President Dick Cheney with his signature scowl. I was originally going to use him for the statistic on 'Accidentally Getting Shot in the Face' but seeing as he's the record holder for most heart attacks this works too.

So...good news - This is the most common cause of death, meaning every other conceivable way you could die is less likely. Celebrate by smoking, eating terrible food, and not exercising!
Not so good news - After his fifth heart explosion, Cheney had a pump installed to circulate blood for him and now has NO pulse. I shit you not, the dude's part robot which means we all have to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to stop him for good. Decapitation seems the best bet but this is Cheney so no promises it will work.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


The odds that in a given year you will be Killed by a Captive Elephant are approximately 1 in 5,488,816 ( 0.0000002 %)

I know! I can't believe someone took the time to calculate this number either so let me thank the fine people at...''....Wait, really? Before you get all worried about rampaging six ton elephant demons crushing babies, notice that the keyword is 'captive'. Who has captive elephants? Circuses and carnivals! Ergo, these elephants are killing tamers, clowns, and mimes. A rampaging elephant destroying a clown? Why that's hilarious!
Seriously though, wild elephants kill mad people every year in Asia so while you may like Dumbo, think better than to run up and hug that six ton behemoth with the ivory tusks which he's planning to use to take out your eyes.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Climbing Everest!

The odds that you will die as the result of Attempting to Summit Mount Everest are approximately 1 in 61 ( 1.6%)

Now, I'm not a climber, but it seems to me that you're asking for trouble when you decide to climb 29,000 feet (~ 6 miles) above sea level so you can stand on top of a freezing cold mountain and look at....other mountains. If you wanna 'push' yourself, rent 'Cliffhanger' and do that instead. At least it won't be so cold and you'll look so much cooler hanging over a valley by one arm in a wifebeater.
Also- climbing Everest doesn't count if you pay $25,000, suck down pure oxygen the whole time in your kevlar parka, and pay local sherpas to tell you where to go and carry all your shit up the mountain. Gotta do that shit freestyle in some Keds like Sir Hillary. Sorry, bitches.

Friday, July 30, 2010


The odds that you will die as the result of exposure to Excessive Natural Heat are approximately 1 in 6,174 ( 0.016%)

Yeah, so Mario Brothers 3, which is the best Mario Bros. You get to that desert/pyramid level with all the beautiful scenery and a couple of screens in you meet that giant asshole of a sun (see above). You're just doing your thing, killing green koopa troopas when this d-bag starts flying around, glaring at you, and swooping in for the kill. Automatic death if he touches you and the whole thing is just a giant hassle where you have to duck and hide cause you can't kill the sun can you? (see also - Sunshine...actually, don't). I hate it.

PS - This stat has NOTHING to do with Mario so... Please don't leave your baby in the car while you go shopping in the middle of summer. And don't be super old.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Hat Trick!

If you saw Wayne Gretzky play one professional hockey game at random in his career, the odds that he would score a Hat Trick were approximately 1 in 30 ( 3.7%)

The Great One...Will there be another like him? I doubt it now that professional sports have specialized so much but time will tell. With just about every other record in the book, Gretzky has more 3+ goal games than anyone at 50. Still not as cool as the record for Gordie Howe hat tricks (1 goal, 1 assist, 1 fight) but I'll give him props anyway. Hear that Gretzky??? Props.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Hitting for the Cycle!

The odds that an average player will hit an 'unnatural' cycle are approximately
1 in every 4,400 games (0.02%)
~ 1 in every 27 seasons
(single, double, triple, and home run (any order)
in 1 game)

You may be surprised to learn that players hit for the cycle more often than this statistic predicts. Let me explain.
Jose Reyes to the left is a decent hitter, but the dude's also a cheetah. He can make it to third in 20 seconds flat with time to make a phone call. As a leadoff hitter he sometimes also gets that 5th at bat. To the right, no it's not a mascot, it's Mo Vaughn. God bless those ankles because he wasn't a career DH.
The point is that Jose Reyes may hit for the cycle a few times in his career while it would normally take two errors and animal interference on the diamond to get Mo Vaughn to third.

Lesson: Mo Vaughn ruins statistics.
(Real Lesson: Averaging statistics sometimes doesn't work. And players who get more extra base hits have a much higher individual probability of hitting for the cycle than Mo Vaughn)

Thursday, July 8, 2010


The odds that you will contract the Tetanus Disease in a given year are approximately 1 in 7,302,000 (0.000037%)

So, remember that shot you were supposed to get in junior high that made your arm hurt for two days? That prevents Tetanus which is a disease you catch from stepping on rusty nails. It causes your muscles to freeze up which leads to lockjaw which makes you look like a dick permanently. Luckily, we've largely killed off this problem but there are still some rogue rusty nails that the government is tracking down and trying to kill. Until their resistance movement is broken, remember to get another shot every 10 years or so. And be afraid, but not that afraid cause it's pretty rare.

Friday, June 25, 2010


The odds that an unopened Oyster contains a Pearl are approximately 1 in 12,000 (0.008%)

That's why pearl diving is like being in a garage band, sure it's a fun hobby but you're never gonna make enough money to feed yourself. But you can eat the oysters. Good advice dad.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


UPDATE: The current odds that Italy will repeat as World Cup Champions are approximately 1 in 14 (7.14%)

I couldn't find a proper picture of an Italian player diving- the cornerstone of their strategy being to roll around on the ground, grab a knee in pretend agony and groan every time an opposing player comes near them. Instead, enjoy this legit photo of Zidane punking an italian for real, probably to see what happens when one actually gets hurt. Zidane's a dick too though. Go Argentina!

( The bookies added two points, which is why you never trust a bookie.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


The odds of becoming an Astronaut are approximately
1 in 13,200,000 (0.0000075 %)

Keep in mind that not ALL astronauts are chosen through a lottery so if you really want it you probably have to work out and train on one of those spinning things. But the odds of becoming a space chimp are closer to 1 in 8.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


The odds of hitting thePowerball Jackpotare
1 in 195, 249, 054. (0.0000005 %)

Coming soon to a city and state near you! New ways to throw away hard earned money! New voluntary taxes based on hollow dreams and false hopes! New ways to take advantage of people's inability to process really large numbers! And possibly even new trailer park multi-millionaires!!! We should all be so lucky.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


The odds that a Homicide will go unsolved are approximately
1 in 2.75 (37.3%)

Wow, I didn't even know it was that high, not that we shouldn't be throwing all our resources at locking up minorities who smoke marijuana, it's just...Now that Law and Order has been cancelled, I'm scared that numbers gonna skyrocket. Those motherfuckers were putting away like 3 bad guy a week. This will only embolden the evildoers.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


The odds that a pregnancy will result in the birth of a Hermaphrodite are approximately 1 in 250,000 (0.0004%)

Now, I'm not gonna go out on a limb and say that Lady Gaga is a Hermaphrodite, thats for you, and bookies, and her traumatized boyfriend to discuss. Not that I'm above that or anything, I just prefer dealing with facts and quantifiable data...With that said, Lady Gaga is mentally retarded. And the creative director for The Muppets dresses her.

(This number may be off, my figure is from the NIH and cited in this book -, most internet answers seemed far too high)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


The odds of being dealt a Blackjack from a new shuffled deck are approximately1 in 21 ( 4.83 %)

Still feel special about getting paid 3 to 2? One day Ima find this Mr. 'House' dude that keeps taking everyones money and kick his ass.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Planned Teen Pregnancy!

The odds that a Teen Pregnancy is the result of Planning are
1 in 8.5 (12%)

I see the logic...I mean, if you're going to ruin your life, might as well get it over when you're young and not waste time following your hopes and dreams and whatnot. Just think of all that time and energy saved, plus, you have a baby!

Friday, April 9, 2010


The odds that your tax return will be Audited in a year are roughly
1 in 130 (0.77%)

Ben Franklin said that only two things are certain in life, "death and taxes". President Lincoln set up the IRS to make sure you could take care of both in one place.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Falling Down!

The odds that you will die by Falling Down in your lifetime are 1 in 246 (0.4%)

Yet, the odds that you will die by Michael Douglas shooting you in the face with a sawed off shotgun are 1 in 30. Movie joke, bitches.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Supreme Court!

The odds that the Supreme Court will Rule on a Formally Filed Petition in a given year are approximately 1 in 90 (1.1%)

They say they get too many cases a year to deliver opinions (~7,000) but the real reason for their leisurely pace is that they have a Foosball tournament to get back to in the judge's chamber. Little known fact: Ginsberg is a semi-pro foosball player. Whoda thunk it?

Thursday, March 25, 2010


The odds that you will die as the result of Electrocution in your lifetime are
1 in 5,000 (0.02%)

For shame, now Bill Murray's never going to get to enjoy that delicious toast.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ballpoint Pens!

The odds that you will die as the result of misusing a Ballpoint Pen in a given year are 1 in 30,000 (0.00003%)

Cause then you have nothing to use for the tracheotomy.... Still 100 people a year pales in comparison to the Roller Gel massacre that claimed 90,000 lives when they were first released in 1984.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Vending Machines!

The odds that you will die as the result of using a Vending Machine in a given year are 1 in 150,000,000 (0.0000007%)

Okay, everyone, here's the trick - DON'T look it directly in the eyes. Avoid that and you'll be fine. Also, once you have your drink/food back away from the machine, NEVER turn your backs to them. Godspeed.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Fire Ants!

The odds that you will die as the result of a Fire Ant Bite are
1 in 5,000,000 (0.00002%)

Yeah, so my dad made me watch this movie when I was five or so and it scarred me for life. If only I had understood at the time the odds against a radioactive spill transforming a colony of ants into giant bloodthirsty destroyers of mankind. Instead of running the math, I just didn't sleep for a year. Thanks Dad!


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Road Rage!

The odds that an incident of Road Rage will result in someone's Death are 1 in 42 (2.4%)

Keep composed, take deep breaths, and if you see this chick (The Queen?) in your rearview mirror, stay to the right.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


The odds that you will die in a Skydiving Accident in a given year are
1 in 62,500 (0.0016%)

And I guarantee that if you do, you won't go out looking half as awesome as this extreme squirrel.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Car Crashes!

The odds that you will die in a Car Accident are 1 in 228 (0.43 %)

Big Car eat little car, nom nom nom....


The odds that you will be Struck by Lightning in a given year are
1 in 750,000 ( 0.00013%)

Laugh it up now, but the odds that you will be affected by someone who is struck by lightning in your lifetime? 1 in 625. Not so funny now is it?

Tricycles of Death!

The odds of dying in a 3-wheeled Motor Vehicle (?) are
1 in 177,380 (0.0005%)

Wtf? Does this mean one of those motorcycles with a side car?

Frat Boys!

The odds of dying by Alcohol Poisoning are 1 in 10,048 (0.009%)

Oh the importance of passing out on your stomach.


The odds that a pregnancy will result in Triplets are 1 in 8,100 (0.01%)

This stat goes out to all the baby jugglers out there, worldwide, you know how we do.


Royal Flush!

The odds of being dealt a Royal Flush in five cards are 1 in 649,739 (0.000154%)

Killer Bees!

The odds that you will die by Hornet, Wasp, or Bee Sting are
1 in 56,789 (0.001%)

Sucks to be you, bee dude.


The odds of dying in an Earthquake over the average life-span are
1 in 117,127 (0.000853%)

No words...Actually, I hope this is photoshopped. And I also hope it's California too. I'm done.


The odds that you will die of Measles in the following year are
1 in 300,000,000 (0.0000003%)

Wait...nevermind, apparently it's a disease...? Gross


Mega Millions!

The odds of winning the Mega Millions Jackpot are
1 in 175,711,536 (0.0000005 %)
"The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math". Yup.



The odds of a pregnancy resulting in Identical Twins are 1 in 285 (0.35%)

Awwwwwww... I couldn't find a video of the Double Mint ads.