Unprotected Sex!

The odds that a Pregnancy will result from a Single Act of Unprotected Sex are approximately 1 in 25 (0.04%)

Don't let this be YOUR future child...

Whoa, kids. I know what you're thinking. Hot shit! I can have unprotected sex twenty-four times scott-free before I even have to worry!

Well, sorry to burst your idiot bubble but if you think that then
1) you suck ass at math and have no idea how probability works
2) you should start thinking of names for the idiot child you're about to have (I'ma call him Biff)

For the rest of you, let's break this down.

Basically this is an issue of timing. Now, full disclosure: I'm not a scientist but I have it on good authority that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Now, to make babies... I don't know, but a woman can only get pregnant on approximately 2 days in every 28 of their cycle. But then she also needs a dude's spermatazoa to eat the egg or whatever and those little fuckers can only survive for around 2 days once in her stomach. This gives us odds of jot, scratch, erase = 11%!

But even if these two windows do happen to overlap after your shitty Junior Prom in the back of that shitty Pinto, there's some good news: Sometimes the spermatazoa don't always eat the eggs! In fact, when together they only do their thing 1/2 to 1/4 of the time they're all chilling. This drops the odds down to between 3-5% that you'll have to explain to your son (Biff) that he was the result of a drunken irresponsible and horribly awkward night for everyone.

Seriously though, 3-5% is a lot. Like 85% odds in the first year if you keep at it, but whatever, it's your life to roll the dice with. Consider yourself warned so don't bitch to me when you're rail-roaded into marrying said girl you brought to J-Prom who now resents you cause you got her preggers (and you didnt't even wanna go with her!) and then have an idiot son named Biff who sucks at math. Good luck with that though.

(http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_the_odds_of_getting_pregnant_if_you_had_sex_only_one_time)

Elaphants!

The odds that in a given year you will be Killed by a Captive Elephant are approximately 1 in 5,488,816 ( 0.0000002 %)

I know! I can't believe someone took the time to calculate this number either so let me thank the fine people at...'ResponsibleExoticAnimalOwnership.com'....Wait, really? Before you get all worried about rampaging six ton elephant demons crushing babies, notice that the keyword is 'captive'. Who has captive elephants? Circuses and carnivals! Ergo, these elephants are killing tamers, clowns, and mimes. A rampaging elephant destroying a clown? Why that's hilarious!

Seriously though, wild elephants kill mad people every year in Asia so while you may like Dumbo, think better than to run up and hug that six ton behemoth with the ivory tusks which he's planning to use to take out your eyes.

(http://www.rexano.org/Statistics/Captive_Elephant_Fatality.pdf)

Climbing Everest!

The odds that you will die as the result of Attempting to Summit Mount Everest are approximately 1 in 61 ( 1.6%)

Now, I'm not a climber, but it seems to me that you're asking for trouble when you decide to climb 29,000 feet (~ 6 miles) above sea level so you can stand on top of a freezing cold mountain and look at....other mountains. If you wanna 'push' yourself, rent 'Cliffhanger' and do that instead. At least it won't be so cold and you'll look so much cooler hanging over a valley by one arm in a wifebeater.

Also- climbing Everest doesn't count if you pay $25,000, suck down pure oxygen the whole time in your kevlar parka, and pay local sherpas to tell you where to go and carry all your shit up the mountain. Gotta do that shit freestyle in some Keds like Sir Hillary. Sorry, bitches.

(http://www.bookofodds.com/Daily-Life-Activities/Hobbies-Recreation/Odds/The-odds-a-person-climbing-Mt.-Everest-will-die-in-the-attempt-are-1-in-61.46-CN-IN-and-NP-1950-2006)

Heat!

The odds that you will die as the result of exposure to Excessive Natural Heat are approximately 1 in 6,174 ( 0.016%)

Yeah, so Mario Brothers 3, which is the best Mario Bros. You get to that desert/pyramid level with all the beautiful scenery and a couple of screens in you meet that giant asshole of a sun (see above). You're just doing your thing, killing green koopa troopas when this d-bag starts flying around, glaring at you, and swooping in for the kill. Automatic death if he touches you and the whole thing is just a giant hassle where you have to duck and hide cause you can't kill the sun can you? (see also - Sunshine...actually, don't). I hate it.

PS - This stat has NOTHING to do with Mario so... Please don't leave your baby in the car while you go shopping in the middle of summer. And don't be super old.

(http://www.nsc.org/news_resources/Documents/nscInjuryFacts2011_037.pdf)

Hermaphrodites!

The odds that a pregnancy will result in the birth of a Hermaphrodite are approximately 1 in 250,000 (0.0004%)

Now, I'm not gonna go out on a limb and say that Lady Gaga is a Hermaphrodite, thats for you, and bookies, and her traumatized boyfriend to discuss. Not that I'm above that or anything, I just prefer dealing with facts and quantifiable data...With that said, Lady Gaga is mentally retarded. And the creative director for The Muppets dresses her.

(This number may be off, my figure is from the NIH and cited in this book - http://www.amazon.com/Odds-R-Roger-Schlaifer/dp/0553383469, most internet answers seemed far too high)

Falling Down!

The odds that you will die by Falling Down in your lifetime are 1 in 246 (0.4%)

Yet, the odds that you will die by Michael Douglas shooting you in the face with a sawed off shotgun are 1 in 30. Movie joke, bitches.

(http://www.v1news.com/page4/1/odds_of_dying/odds_of_dying.htm)

Electrocution!

The odds that you will die as the result of Electrocution in your lifetime are
1 in 5,000 (0.02%)

For shame, now Bill Murray's never going to get to enjoy that delicious toast.

(http://www.sixwise.com/Newsletters/2010/January/27/Your-Odds-of-Dying-Too-Early.htm)