Unprotected Sex!

The odds that a Pregnancy will result from a Single Act of Unprotected Sex are approximately 1 in 25 (0.04%)

Don't let this be YOUR future child...

Whoa, kids. I know what you're thinking. Hot shit! I can have unprotected sex twenty-four times scott-free before I even have to worry!

Well, sorry to burst your idiot bubble but if you think that then
1) you suck ass at math and have no idea how probability works
2) you should start thinking of names for the idiot child you're about to have (I'ma call him Biff)

For the rest of you, let's break this down.

Basically this is an issue of timing. Now, full disclosure: I'm not a scientist but I have it on good authority that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Now, to make babies... I don't know, but a woman can only get pregnant on approximately 2 days in every 28 of their cycle. But then she also needs a dude's spermatazoa to eat the egg or whatever and those little fuckers can only survive for around 2 days once in her stomach. This gives us odds of jot, scratch, erase = 11%!

But even if these two windows do happen to overlap after your shitty Junior Prom in the back of that shitty Pinto, there's some good news: Sometimes the spermatazoa don't always eat the eggs! In fact, when together they only do their thing 1/2 to 1/4 of the time they're all chilling. This drops the odds down to between 3-5% that you'll have to explain to your son (Biff) that he was the result of a drunken irresponsible and horribly awkward night for everyone.

Seriously though, 3-5% is a lot. Like 85% odds in the first year if you keep at it, but whatever, it's your life to roll the dice with. Consider yourself warned so don't bitch to me when you're rail-roaded into marrying said girl you brought to J-Prom who now resents you cause you got her preggers (and you didnt't even wanna go with her!) and then have an idiot son named Biff who sucks at math. Good luck with that though.

(http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_the_odds_of_getting_pregnant_if_you_had_sex_only_one_time)

Tallness!

The odds that a US male will Grow to the Height of 6'3" or more are approximately 1 in 50 (2.1%)

Wow, was this a fun statistic to research. First, here's the Wikipedia caption that accompanies the above photo: "Height helps basketball players get closer to the hoop and pass over opponents". Yes, Wikipedia, I'm not going to argue with that, I just thought such an obvious observation would be unnecessary? Second, there are a whole lot of insecure short people out there and they know how to use the internet! If you care to take up their cause and help support shorties (is that diminutive?) with their self esteem issues or conversely mock them, please see here - http://www.shortsupport.org/index.html .

Height distribution works as a Bell of Gaussian curve where the majority of males are average (5'10") and the numbers tail off the shorter/taller you are so that there's about the same number of males who are 5'4" and 6'3". Height is determined by genes, nutrition, and not having a fucked up pituitary gland. If you are tall you should play basketball (see Wikipedia). If you are short you should try to take over the world and impose your iron will over all those tall assholes who used to stuff your ass every time you tried to make a lay up in gym class. It worked for Napoleon and according to Wikipedia he sucked hard at basketball.

(http://www.allcountries.org/uscensus/230_cumulative_percent_distribution_of_population_by.html)

Heart Attack!

The lifetime odds that you will die as the result of
Heart Disease/Heart Attack are approximately 1 in 5 (20%)

Ha! I bet you though that was a stroke patient but it's former Vice President Dick Cheney with his signature scowl. I was originally going to use him for the statistic on 'Accidentally Getting Shot in the Face' but seeing as he's the record holder for most heart attacks this works too.

So...good news - This is the most common cause of death, meaning every other conceivable way you could die is less likely. Celebrate by smoking, eating terrible food, and not exercising!

Not so good news - After his fifth heart explosion, Cheney had a pump installed to circulate blood for him and now has NO pulse. I shit you not, the dude's part robot which means we all have to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to stop him for good. Decapitation seems the best bet but this is Cheney so no promises it will work.

(http://www.livescience.com/environment/050106_odds_of_dying.html)

Elaphants!

The odds that in a given year you will be Killed by a Captive Elephant are approximately 1 in 5,488,816 ( 0.0000002 %)

I know! I can't believe someone took the time to calculate this number either so let me thank the fine people at...'ResponsibleExoticAnimalOwnership.com'....Wait, really? Before you get all worried about rampaging six ton elephant demons crushing babies, notice that the keyword is 'captive'. Who has captive elephants? Circuses and carnivals! Ergo, these elephants are killing tamers, clowns, and mimes. A rampaging elephant destroying a clown? Why that's hilarious!

Seriously though, wild elephants kill mad people every year in Asia so while you may like Dumbo, think better than to run up and hug that six ton behemoth with the ivory tusks which he's planning to use to take out your eyes.

(http://www.rexano.org/Statistics/Captive_Elephant_Fatality.pdf)

Hermaphrodites!

The odds that a pregnancy will result in the birth of a Hermaphrodite are approximately 1 in 250,000 (0.0004%)

Now, I'm not gonna go out on a limb and say that Lady Gaga is a Hermaphrodite, thats for you, and bookies, and her traumatized boyfriend to discuss. Not that I'm above that or anything, I just prefer dealing with facts and quantifiable data...With that said, Lady Gaga is mentally retarded. And the creative director for The Muppets dresses her.

(This number may be off, my figure is from the NIH and cited in this book - http://www.amazon.com/Odds-R-Roger-Schlaifer/dp/0553383469, most internet answers seemed far too high)

Planned Teen Pregnancy!

The odds that a Teen Pregnancy is the result of Planning are
1 in 8.5 (12%)

I see the logic...I mean, if you're going to ruin your life, might as well get it over when you're young and not waste time following your hopes and dreams and whatnot. Just think of all that time and energy saved, plus, you have a baby!

(http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_024FactSheet.pdf)

Falling Down!

The odds that you will die by Falling Down in your lifetime are 1 in 246 (0.4%)

Yet, the odds that you will die by Michael Douglas shooting you in the face with a sawed off shotgun are 1 in 30. Movie joke, bitches.

(http://www.v1news.com/page4/1/odds_of_dying/odds_of_dying.htm)

Electrocution!

The odds that you will die as the result of Electrocution in your lifetime are
1 in 5,000 (0.02%)

For shame, now Bill Murray's never going to get to enjoy that delicious toast.

(http://www.sixwise.com/Newsletters/2010/January/27/Your-Odds-of-Dying-Too-Early.htm)

Ballpoint Pens!

The odds that you will die as the result of misusing a Ballpoint Pen in a given year are 1 in 30,000 (0.00003%)

Cause then you have nothing to use for the tracheotomy.... Still 100 people a year pales in comparison to the Roller Gel massacre that claimed 90,000 lives when they were first released in 1984.

(http://www.articleblast.com/Advertising_and_Marketing/General/Pens_-_Facts_and_Trivia/)

Vending Machines!

The odds that you will die as the result of using a Vending Machine in a given year are 1 in 150,000,000 (0.0000007%)

Okay, everyone, here's the trick - DON'T look it directly in the eyes. Avoid that and you'll be fine. Also, once you have your drink/food back away from the machine, NEVER turn your backs to them. Godspeed.

(http://urbanlegends.about.com/b/2005/06/29/are-vending-machines-deadlier-than-sharks-repost.htm)