Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dental Suicide!


The odds that that a Dentist will commit Suicide in a given year are approximately 1 in 1,250 (0.08%)


We've all heard the 'fact' that dentists have the highest rate of suicide for a profession but is it true? Yes, yes it is. Why? Well after some extensive research and number crunching I'll try to break it down for you with a mix of actual evidence & my own harebrained theories.
Have you ever met a little kid who REALLY wanted to be a Dentist when they grew up? No. No you haven't because all children (and most adults) hate the dentist. And doesn't that suck to go to work every day trying to help people's oral hygiene while knowing most patients hate being there and you make kids cry? Not much positive reinforcement which probably wears on you.
If so few kids aspire to Dental fame, who becomes a dentist? I don't know but I imagine it's a pretty repressed group; The people who give up on their dreams for the safe steady paycheck. If you 'settled' for being a dentist and regret it, that's gotta eat at you.
The overwhelming majority of dentists are also white males which happens to be the demographic most prone to suicide. It also seems a pretty lonely job but who knows.
Finally, they have the means. Even though they don't seem to get as much respect or appreciation as a veterinarian, they did go to school and have access to all sorts of things. The rest is very dependent on mental health and individual tendency but these are huge red flags.
All those factors taken together put dentists at a much higher risk than average. Still, 0.08% seems pretty small huh? Well, when the average rate is about 0.017%, that makes dentists ~5x MORE likely to off themselves than a random person. Which is a lot so- brush your teeth, floss, and don't be an asshole to your dentist. Thanks.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Centenarians!

The odds that you will Live to be at least 100 Years Old are approximately 1 in 3,300 (0.03%)

Whoa, crazy lady! I was gonna use a picture of Willard Scott for this (the Today Show Smuckers Old-People Birthday dude) but it turns out he was once a clown so I'm not supporting that.
1 in 3,300! Shit... I totally thought it was closer to like 1 in 2 but just cause someone looks really old doesn't mean they're 100 yet. Okay, let's break this down.
First off, it assumes you're American and averages the rates for both sexes. If you're an obese male who doesn't exercise you're odds of making it to 100 years are approximately (pretend mashing a calculator....grunting...scratching something out with a pencil...got it!) 1 in NEVER. See, women live longer than men and Japanese women (from Okinawa especially) live longer than everyone. Why? Cause Japan is the future. And they have an incredibly healthy diet, exercise, and maintain low stress levels. Advances in medicine constantly increase the average life span but to make it to 100+, you're gonna need more than Lipitor. You need a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle. Read up on that while I eat this steak and stress about money.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Heart Attack!

The lifetime odds that you will die as the result of
Heart Disease/Heart Attack are approximately 1 in 5 (20%)


Ha! I bet you though that was a stroke patient but it's former Vice President Dick Cheney with his signature scowl. I was originally going to use him for the statistic on 'Accidentally Getting Shot in the Face' but seeing as he's the record holder for most heart attacks this works too.

So...good news - This is the most common cause of death, meaning every other conceivable way you could die is less likely. Celebrate by smoking, eating terrible food, and not exercising!
Not so good news - After his fifth heart explosion, Cheney had a pump installed to circulate blood for him and now has NO pulse. I shit you not, the dude's part robot which means we all have to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to stop him for good. Decapitation seems the best bet but this is Cheney so no promises it will work.



Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Elaphants!

The odds that in a given year you will be Killed by a Captive Elephant are approximately 1 in 5,488,816 ( 0.0000002 %)


I know! I can't believe someone took the time to calculate this number either so let me thank the fine people at...'ResponsibleExoticAnimalOwnership.com'....Wait, really? Before you get all worried about rampaging six ton elephant demons crushing babies, notice that the keyword is 'captive'. Who has captive elephants? Circuses and carnivals! Ergo, these elephants are killing tamers, clowns, and mimes. A rampaging elephant destroying a clown? Why that's hilarious!
Seriously though, wild elephants kill mad people every year in Asia so while you may like Dumbo, think better than to run up and hug that six ton behemoth with the ivory tusks which he's planning to use to take out your eyes.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Climbing Everest!

The odds that you will die as the result of Attempting to Summit Mount Everest are approximately 1 in 61 ( 1.6%)


Now, I'm not a climber, but it seems to me that you're asking for trouble when you decide to climb 29,000 feet (~ 6 miles) above sea level so you can stand on top of a freezing cold mountain and look at....other mountains. If you wanna 'push' yourself, rent 'Cliffhanger' and do that instead. At least it won't be so cold and you'll look so much cooler hanging over a valley by one arm in a wifebeater.
Also- climbing Everest doesn't count if you pay $25,000, suck down pure oxygen the whole time in your kevlar parka, and pay local sherpas to tell you where to go and carry all your shit up the mountain. Gotta do that shit freestyle in some Keds like Sir Hillary. Sorry, bitches.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Heat!

The odds that you will die as the result of exposure to Excessive Natural Heat are approximately 1 in 6,174 ( 0.016%)


Yeah, so Mario Brothers 3, which is the best Mario Bros. You get to that desert/pyramid level with all the beautiful scenery and a couple of screens in you meet that giant asshole of a sun (see above). You're just doing your thing, killing green koopa troopas when this d-bag starts flying around, glaring at you, and swooping in for the kill. Automatic death if he touches you and the whole thing is just a giant hassle where you have to duck and hide cause you can't kill the sun can you? (see also - Sunshine...actually, don't). I hate it.

PS - This stat has NOTHING to do with Mario so... Please don't leave your baby in the car while you go shopping in the middle of summer. And don't be super old.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Tetanus!

The odds that you will contract the Tetanus Disease in a given year are approximately 1 in 7,302,000 (0.000037%)


So, remember that shot you were supposed to get in junior high that made your arm hurt for two days? That prevents Tetanus which is a disease you catch from stepping on rusty nails. It causes your muscles to freeze up which leads to lockjaw which makes you look like a dick permanently. Luckily, we've largely killed off this problem but there are still some rogue rusty nails that the government is tracking down and trying to kill. Until their resistance movement is broken, remember to get another shot every 10 years or so. And be afraid, but not that afraid cause it's pretty rare.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Muuuurder!

The odds that a Homicide will go unsolved are approximately
1 in 2.75 (37.3%)



Wow, I didn't even know it was that high, not that we shouldn't be throwing all our resources at locking up minorities who smoke marijuana, it's just...Now that Law and Order has been cancelled, I'm scared that numbers gonna skyrocket. Those motherfuckers were putting away like 3 bad guy a week. This will only embolden the evildoers.



Monday, April 5, 2010

Falling Down!

The odds that you will die by Falling Down in your lifetime are 1 in 246 (0.4%)


Yet, the odds that you will die by Michael Douglas shooting you in the face with a sawed off shotgun are 1 in 30. Movie joke, bitches.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Electrocution!

The odds that you will die as the result of Electrocution in your lifetime are
1 in 5,000 (0.02%)

For shame, now Bill Murray's never going to get to enjoy that delicious toast.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ballpoint Pens!

The odds that you will die as the result of misusing a Ballpoint Pen in a given year are 1 in 30,000 (0.00003%)

Cause then you have nothing to use for the tracheotomy.... Still 100 people a year pales in comparison to the Roller Gel massacre that claimed 90,000 lives when they were first released in 1984.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Vending Machines!

The odds that you will die as the result of using a Vending Machine in a given year are 1 in 150,000,000 (0.0000007%)


Okay, everyone, here's the trick - DON'T look it directly in the eyes. Avoid that and you'll be fine. Also, once you have your drink/food back away from the machine, NEVER turn your backs to them. Godspeed.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Fire Ants!

The odds that you will die as the result of a Fire Ant Bite are
1 in 5,000,000 (0.00002%)


Yeah, so my dad made me watch this movie when I was five or so and it scarred me for life. If only I had understood at the time the odds against a radioactive spill transforming a colony of ants into giant bloodthirsty destroyers of mankind. Instead of running the math, I just didn't sleep for a year. Thanks Dad!

(http://www.safe2use.com/pests/fireants/fireants4.htm)



Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Skydiving!

The odds that you will die in a Skydiving Accident in a given year are
1 in 62,500 (0.0016%)



And I guarantee that if you do, you won't go out looking half as awesome as this extreme squirrel.


Monday, March 8, 2010

Car Crashes!

The odds that you will die in a Car Accident are 1 in 228 (0.43 %)


Big Car eat little car, nom nom nom....


Tricycles of Death!


The odds of dying in a 3-wheeled Motor Vehicle (?) are
1 in 177,380 (0.0005%)




















Wtf? Does this mean one of those motorcycles with a side car?

Frat Boys!

The odds of dying by Alcohol Poisoning are 1 in 10,048 (0.009%)



Oh the importance of passing out on your stomach.

Killer Bees!

The odds that you will die by Hornet, Wasp, or Bee Sting are
1 in 56,789 (0.001%)

Sucks to be you, bee dude.

Earthquakes!

The odds of dying in an Earthquake over the average life-span are
1 in 117,127 (0.000853%)

No words...Actually, I hope this is photoshopped. And I also hope it's California too. I'm done.

Measles!?!?

The odds that you will die of Measles in the following year are
1 in 300,000,000 (0.0000003%)


Wait...nevermind, apparently it's a disease...? Gross


(http://www.veegle.com/odds.htm)